The Two-Question Friendship Test

I'm on a flight to a speaking event when I realize I have truly blown it this time. I shake my head in disbelief at my own ineptitude, groan, and put my forehead on the seat in front of me with a little more oomph than intended. The guy in front of me jumps a little and looks back like, "We good, buddy?"

Joenelle and I will both be out of town for a week, and I forgot to book a sitter for the dogs. I feel like an idiot, but the only thing I can do now is try to find someone. I start texting friends, but a few hours go by without much luck. With each passing minute, my stress increases. No one's texting me back, and there haven't been any takers on the Rover app either.

It's nearly 10 p.m., and I'm lying in my hotel room bed, Googling dog sitters back home, when my friend Blaine texts me.

"I hear you need help with the dogs?"

I read back through our conversation and realize I never even asked him. As if reading my mind, he sends another message.

"Geoff told me you texted people asking for help."

Blaine volunteers to take care of the dogs for our entire trip. I breathe a sigh of relief and call Joenelle with the good news. After talking through the logistics, she says, "I'm surprised you asked Blaine. I didn't think y'all hung out that much."

I say, "That's the funny part. I didn't. He texted me."

I saw a viral post on Instagram the other day that reminded me of that experience with Blaine. It was a thought exercise called "Two Beers and a Puppy," from Ross McCammon's book Works Well with Others.

The exercise is simple. To help you evaluate your relationships, ask yourself two questions:

1. Would I have two (insert drink of choice) with this person?

2. Would I trust them to look after my puppy for a weekend?

Depending on how you answer those questions, people fall into four categories.

Yes/Yes people are fun to be around and trustworthy. These are the people you want to keep close.

Yes/No people are a great time, but not always dependable. They're fun to hang out with, but you might think twice before trusting them with something important.

No/Yes people might not have much in common with you, but they're reliable and trustworthy. As McCammon puts it, they "make the world a better place."

No/No people aren't particularly enjoyable to be around or trustworthy. It's probably best to keep your distance.

Blaine is a No/Yes person for me. We don't have a ton in common, and he's not someone I regularly grab dinner with or make plans to spend a Saturday together. But when I needed someone I could count on, he showed up without me even asking.

That's what I appreciate about this exercise. It reminds us that not every good friend has to be a Yes/Yes friend. Some friends are the people we call when we want to have a good time. Others are the people we call when we need a hand. And a lucky few are both. There's room in our lives for all kinds of friendships, and we don't have to enjoy all the same things to care about one another.

Of course, this exercise works both ways. It's a useful tool for evaluating our friendships, but it's also worth considering how others might answer those questions about us. In some friendships, maybe we need to find more in common so they'll invite us for a drink. In others, maybe we need to be more dependable and show up when someone needs a hand.

We don't have to be everyone's closest friend, but we can all work on being a better friend.

Fact

Psychologists distinguish between emotional support (someone who listens and understands) and instrumental support (someone who provides practical help). A friend who watches your dogs, helps you move, or picks you up from the airport is providing instrumental support.

Action

To be more dependable be the first to volunteer to do a favor. To be more likeable, ask more questions.

Question

Is there someone you've overlooked as a friend simply because you don't have much in common?

Quote

“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?” - George Eliot