The Rhythm of Friendship

My buddy Mitch and I have been best friends for years, but for most of our friendship, we've lived on opposite sides of the country. We don't get to see each other often, but whenever we do, we pick up right where we left off.

Our visits have always been three to five days of late nights and early mornings, minimizing sleep and maximizing friendship. We squeeze as much time together as possible into the few days we have, knowing it'll probably be months before we see each other again.

For years, we joked about building a commune where all our friends could live in the same town. Then, in 2023, we finally get out of the group chat and make it happen. Mitch takes a job at the same company as my wife and moves to Northwest Arkansas.

Naturally, we pick up right where we left off. Late nights, early mornings, minimizing sleep and maximizing friendship. Except now, instead of cramming everything into a few days, we're spending most weeknights and nearly every weekend together. I even convince Mitch to join my gym so we can work out together.

One day after a workout, I notice Mitch seems a little distant. Something feels off, so I ask him if everything's alright. He assures me it is, and we go about our day.

A few hours later, we're out to dinner with friends, and I notice something strange about myself. I'm getting annoyed by things that have never bothered me before. Mitch is talking too loudly. He's holding up his phone to show everyone a YouTube video, and for some reason, it's driving me crazy.

Over the next few weeks, Mitch becomes more distant, and my patience grows thinner. Neither of us seems particularly interested in hanging out, but neither of us knows why.

Finally, I sit Mitch down to talk about it. The problem is, I'm not even sure what we're supposed to talk about. Nothing has happened between us. We haven't had a fight or disagreement. I just know something feels different.

I tell him I've been getting annoyed by little things that normally wouldn't bother me. He admits he's exhausted. He feels like he has to hang out whenever there's an opportunity because that's what we've always done. He doesn't want to miss out on spending time together.

I look at him and say, "But you live here now."

And suddenly, we both understand what's happening.

For years, we've treated every visit like an opportunity to squeeze in as much time together as possible. But we aren't visiting anymore. We can grab dinner next week, work out another morning, or spend a Saturday doing absolutely nothing together.

Our friendship hadn't changed, our circumstances did, and our rhythm needed to catch up.

The habits that strengthen a friendship in one season of life won't necessarily serve it in another. Talking every day, spending every weekend together, or always answering the phone might work beautifully for years. Then life changes, and the same habits that once brought us closer start creating pressure.

And the opposite is true. Some of our closest friendships can go months without a conversation or a year without a visit, and we still pick up right where we left off. Meanwhile, we can feel guilty for going a few weeks without seeing a friend who lives fifteen minutes away.

The frequency of our conversations and time together isn't always a reflection of how much we care about one another. Different friendships need different rhythms, and those rhythms change as our lives do.

Rather than assuming what being a good friend should look like, talk about it. For friends you see frequently, figure out how much time together is sustainable. For friends who live farther away, find ways to stay connected that work for both of you. Maybe that's a monthly phone call, an annual trip, or simply picking up where you left off whenever you get together.

And when life changes, be willing to change those expectations. A new job, a move, marriage, or kids can all change how we spend our time without changing how much we care about our friends.

Mitch and I didn't have a friendship problem. We just needed to figure out how to be "same place" friends.

The late nights and early mornings that made our visits so memorable weren't sustainable when we could see each other every day. What once helped us make the most of our friendship was now putting pressure on it.

Being a good friend isn't about maintaining the same habits forever. It's about being willing to change the rhythm as your friendship changes.

Fact

We have a limited capacity for maintaining close friendships. Psychologist Robin Dunbar describes our social circles in layers, with an average of five people in our innermost circle and fifteen in the next. Each layer requires a different level of time and attention.

Action

Identify a friendship where your circumstances have changed but your habits haven't. Talk with that friend about how you can adjust the way you stay connected.

Question

Are you holding any of your friendships to expectations that no longer fit your lives?

Quote

“Let the soul be assured that somewhere in the universe it should rejoin its friend, and it would be content and cheerful alone for a thousand years.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Friendship