The Inconvenience of Friendship

I was fortunate to grow up in a community where kids of all ages could walk home after dark without their parents having to worry about them. Most summers, I'd spend more nights sleeping on my friends' floors than in my own bed.

Three of my best friends all lived within 10 houses of each other. I would walk or ride my bike to Greg's house, tell his mom we're leaving, then rinse and repeat for Garrett and Ben. Most often, we'd spend the night at Garrett or Ben's house because they were close and had more floor space in their living rooms.

One summer day between fifth and sixth grade, I wake up at home, feed my animals, and decide I'll make the mile journey to Greg's house and see what we can get into. As I load up my backpack, I hear the clicking of bike gears and turn around to see all three of my friends riding up my driveway. A little confused, I say, "Hey dudes, I was just about to head to your house. Why did you come here?"

Ben shrugs and says nonchalantly, "Eh, you're always the one coming to us. We figured we'd come to you today."

Asking a 12-year-old to ride his bike a mile to hang out with his friends isn't asking much, but that didn't lessen the impact it had on me. I was always the one going to them. That day, they came to me.

As we grew up and left for college, two of them remained very close friends of mine, and one is still my best friend to this day. When I reflect on those friendships, it's apparent that our willingness to be inconvenienced for each other is one of the reasons they've lasted.

I've naively believed that an ideal friendship would ask little of me and rarely disrupt my life. But when I think about my closest friendships, they're filled with inconvenience.

Airport rides. Feeding dogs. Helping someone move. Changing plans. Staying later than you intended. Driving a mile in the opposite direction just because you're always making your friend come to you.

Allowing someone to inconvenience us tells them that whatever feels urgent in our lives isn't always what's most important. It doesn't just tell our friends we value them, it shows them.

If we think back to the friends we felt safest with, those we trusted most deeply, and the ones we knew would do anything for us, I bet we can remember plenty of times they allowed us to inconvenience them.

There may be seasons when the inconvenience is lopsided, but best friends aren't keeping score. Sometimes we're the ones feeding the dogs, making the airport run, or rearranging our Saturday. Other times, they're doing it for us.

If you're feeling distant from someone you used to be close with, ask yourself, "When is the last time I allowed this friendship to inconvenience me?"

Inconvenience isn't just a cost of friendship. It's one of the ways we practice it.

Fact

Research on friendship has found that people tend to feel closer to friends who provide support when it's needed, and that giving support can strengthen the well-being of the person providing it, too.

Action

Let a friendship inconvenience you this week. Give the ride, make the trip, help with the chore, or say yes to something that costs you a little time.

Question

When was the last time a friend inconvenienced themselves for you, and what did it communicate to you?

Quote

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson