Right or Results?

It's January, and we've had four straight days of ice and snow. Schools are closed, roads are slick, and our daughter's daycare has been shut down all week. With my wife working, I've spent the better part of the week at home with my daughter Murphy.

Murph is a tornado of joy, toppling block towers, tossing forks, and trampling snacks as she tears from room to room. I'm supposed to be spending this week preparing for an upcoming keynote, but instead I'm sheltering in the bunker, waiting for Hurricane Murph to blow through.

Thursday morning, I wake up and peel back the curtains to sunshine. The weather has cleared, the roads are looking good, and I'm hopeful daycare will reopen Friday so I can finally get some work done. Then my phone vibrates with a notification from daycare.

"Out of an abundance of caution, we are going to remain closed until Monday."

I'm livid. The roads are fine, the snow has stopped, and now daycare is going to be closed for the entire week. Meanwhile, I'm watching Murph while paying someone else to do it. I immediately call my wife and tell her I'm going to ask for a refund. If we're paying for five days of childcare and receiving none, shouldn't we get some of our money back?

My wife listens to my argument before responding, "I mean, if you want to do that, you can. But what if they refunded everyone? We don't know what their margins look like. If they can't afford to refund an entire week of tuition and end up going out of business, you're going to be home with Murph for a lot longer than five days."

I grunt in response.

Her reasoning doesn't make me any less frustrated, but it does make me reconsider what I'm asking for. Truthfully, it isn't about the money. I want justice. We're paying for a service we aren't receiving, and I want someone to make that right.

I still think we're owed a refund, and I still think the daycare should be open. But neither of those convictions changes the fact that I have to get work done with a toddler in the house. I'm so focused on what would make the situation fair that I've lost sight of what would actually make it better.

Sometimes we get so caught up in being right that we lose sight of the results we're actually after.

Being right and getting results aren't mutually exclusive. Sometimes standing our ground or holding someone accountable is exactly what produces the outcome we're looking for. But we can also win an argument without resolving a disagreement, prove a mistake wasn't our fault without helping fix it, or get exactly what we demanded without improving our situation.

The next time you find yourself frustrated and convinced you're right, consider what you're hoping to accomplish. Will proving your point help you accomplish it?

If the answer is no, put that energy toward something you can actually change. Have a conversation about preventing the problem from happening again, look for another solution, or find a way to work with the circumstances in front of you. You can acknowledge that something isn't fair without making fairness your only objective.

Do you want to be right, or do you want results?

Fact

Research on the ultimatum game shows that people frequently reject offers they consider unfair, even when rejecting means they receive nothing. We're sometimes willing to sacrifice a tangible benefit rather than accept something we believe is unjust.

Action

Define the win. The next time you're frustrated with someone, ask yourself, “What would a good outcome actually look like?” Identify that outcome before deciding how to respond.

Question

When was the last time you got what you wanted but didn't get the result you hoped for?

Quote

“The object of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.”

- Joseph Joubert