What We Get Angry About Reveals What We Value

It's a Thursday morning and I'm driving from my kid's daycare to my barber for my monthly cut. The sun is out, cows graze in the fields as I pass by, and Fall Out Boy is on the stereo. It's shaping up to be an incredible day.

Until a Nissan Saturn and I come to a four-way stop at the same time.

Since he's to my right, I wave him on. He turns in front of me and only a few seconds go by before he rolls his window down and throws something onto the road. I drive over it and think, "Huh, that sure looked a lot like garbage. It's 2026, surely people aren't littering anymore?"

A moment later his grubby little fingers come into view again, this time clearly dropping a piece of trash out the window. As we continue down the road, this man litters two more times before turning a different direction.

I'm livid.

How could someone be so lazy? How could someone be so careless? I mean, he lives here, doesn't he care about his community?

As I sit there watching this loathsome litterbug drive off, I'm struck with a memory from when I was a kid.

I'm four years old and my family is driving home from the grocery store. Mom has spoiled each of us kids with a soda. I finish mine rather quickly and, not knowing what to do with the can, decide to roll the window down and throw it outside.

As I release the can, I catch my mom's eyes in the rearview mirror and can immediately tell I've done something wrong.

Mom slams on the brakes and pulls onto the shoulder of the highway. She throws the van in reverse and backs up near the spot where I tossed the can. Without turning around she coldly says, "Go get it."

I find the can and briefly consider using the recycle value to run away and start a new life, but ultimately decide to get back in the car.

When I do, Mom finally turns around and says, "We do not litter. If you have trash, that is your job to take care of it. We don't make our problems other people's responsibility."

I'm back at the light now, watching the Nissan drive off, and for a moment I consider chasing him down and giving him the same talking to my mom gave me.

What gives me pause is the realization that we aren't angry for the same reason.

It strikes me that what we get angry about often points to what we value.

I was angry because I value:

• personal responsibility

• care for community

• stewardship

• respect for shared spaces

  
  

Mom was angry because she values:

• personal accountability

• ownership

• not burdening others

  
  

Same frustration. Different values underneath it.

That's not to say all anger is justified, but if we pay attention, we may discover the principles we care most deeply about protecting.

If we never stop and examine our frustrations, we may miss the chance to better understand ourselves. Our reactions can reveal the expectations we carry, the principles we protect, and the kind of world we hope to live in.

I hope your days are filled with joy, but if you do get frustrated, be sure to stop and ask yourself why.

Fact

Research from Yale University found that anger often emerges when people perceive a violation of what they believe "should" happen. In other words, anger is frequently connected to expectations, values, and perceived fairness.

Action

The next time you get angry, text yourself what you believe is the "why" behind that anger.

Question

What is something that consistently frustrates you?

Quote

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."

- Carl Jung