Understanding Undoes Hate

It’s the summer after my junior year, and I’m at the Oregon Association for Student Councils’ summer camp. For the last four summers, I’ve spent a week in Monmouth, Oregon bonding with my council, competing in our version of the Olympics, and building lifelong friendships with the other campers. Since this is my final year at camp, I expect it to be the best one yet.

Our council, the Pink Panthers, instantly clicks. After our first small group session, we all walk away feeling like a family—all of us, except one: a kid named Grant. For some reason, Grant seems distant. Anytime the group is having fun, he scowls. When one of our council members takes a risk and shares a personal hardship, Grant makes fun of them.

By the second day, our council has reached an unspoken agreement: we hate Grant. We start excluding him from meals, and whenever he speaks during small group time, we roll our eyes or ignore him altogether.

One of my favorite traditions at camp is called Boundary Breaking. It’s a time where we come together to ask questions, tell stories, and talk honestly about what we’re facing in life. On the way there, our Junior Counselor pulls me aside.

“Hey Jason, I was wondering if you might sit by Grant at Boundary Breaking tonight?”

I respond sharply, “Alex, I hate Grant. We all do.”

Alex smiles gently, like he’s been in my shoes before, and replies, “You don’t hate Grant. You just don’t know him.”

I think about Alex’s words as we settle into our Boundary Breaking session. Each person gets a few minutes to share whatever they want, while others listen, encourage, or ask questions. When it’s Grant’s turn, I decide to ask him what his story is.

Alex was right—I didn’t know Grant at all.

As he opened up about the hardships he’d endured and what he was currently going through, the resentment we felt toward him began to dissolve. As we listened, understanding replaced judgment. Empathy replaced hostility. By the end of the session, our entire council saw Grant in a new light.

That shift in perspective wasn’t random—it’s backed by psychology and neuroscience.

One explanation is the Contact Hypothesis: a theory that says, under the right conditions, personal interaction with someone from a different group reduces prejudice.

Another is the Narrative Effect: the idea that hearing someone’s personal story helps us process their experiences more emotionally and deeply than abstract facts or labels ever could.

Put simply: when we truly know someone, it’s nearly impossible to hate them. Before judging someone’s words or actions, we should ask ourselves: Have I taken the time to understand where they’re coming from? Without understanding, empathy doesn’t stand a chance.

Grant has remained one of my closest friends since that day. In fact, he and his wife recently flew to Arkansas to meet my daughter for the first time. I often think about how different my life would be if I had leaned into hate instead of choosing to listen.

Fact

Neuroscience shows that when we hear a story, not only is the language-processing part of the brain activated, but also the sensory and emotional centers.

Action

The next time you find yourself judging someone, ask yourself how many questions you’ve actually asked them.

Question

Who in your life deserves a chance to be known?

Quote

“It is hard to hate up close.” – Brené Brown