What No One Tells You About Grief

It’s Sunday morning and I’m knee to knee with my wife, listening to the sermon. It’s a heavy message this week, covering themes of loss, hardship, and tragedy. I think to myself, “I am so grateful that no one I know, including my own family, is going through anything this challenging right now.”

The thought stays with me throughout the day, but instead of pure gratitude, it begins to mix with anxiety as it’s accompanied by thoughts of the opposite occurring.

“What if something happens to Grandma?”

“Is our dog Finn getting up a little slower than he used to?”

“I don’t know what I’d do if anything ever happened to Joenelle.”

I toe the line between reminding myself that everything is alright and imagining scenarios in which it isn’t. It’s something I’ve done for years, and for the longest time, I was ashamed of it. I’d tell myself to “stop being negative” or “stop imagining the worst,” and I think there’s some validity to that.

However, I know now that I was experiencing something that is extremely common, but not often talked about, something psychologists call anticipatory grief. It’s the feeling of loss you experience before something has actually happened. Like normal grief, it’s often accompanied by feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, and anger.

Because these aren’t desirable feelings, for a long time I saw this as a negative habit. In fact, I even wrote about the negative effects of this pattern back in 2022.

But now, I’m starting to see it differently.

I think it can actually be a positive and healthy behavior, in the right dose.

When I’m in the midst of anticipatory grief, I feel the sadness of losing something or someone, but I’m also reminded that I haven’t lost them yet. It clarifies what matters most.

In the period immediately after, normal distractions like social media or games on my phone don’t hold the same sway over my attention. It becomes easier to focus, remain present, and feelings of gratitude are stronger than usual.

People tend to avoid feelings of grief, stifling them because, quite frankly, it’s uncomfortable to be sad. I’m not saying grief is fun, but it is human.

Anticipatory grief is something we’ll all experience at some point. Instead of avoiding it, lean in and let it be a reminder that you don’t have to wait until you’ve lost something to realize how much it matters.

Pay attention to what you’d miss, while you still have it.

Fact

Studies show that reflecting on mortality, sometimes called “mortality salience,” can increase appreciation for relationships and lead to more meaningful behavior.

Action

Go home a little earlier today or stay a little longer with someone you care about.

Question

Am I spending my time in a way that reflects what matters most to me?

Quote

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” - A.A. Milne