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Three Signs You Need to Have a Crucial Conversation

Jason Wetzler

Updated: Jan 22

My wife Joenelle, my best friend Mitch, and I had been traveling throughout England for the past eight days and the lack of sleep, uncharacteristically warm temperatures, and cramped spaces had us on our last nerve. The trip had been a blast, but we'd made a grave error at the start that created a ripple effect of consequences over the last two weeks.


To save some time at pickup, we opted to go with an electric car versus gas as we'd reserved and we regretted it almost immediately. They rented us a Vauxhall Corsa, an English car that is somewhere between a Mini Cooper and a shopping cart. While it navigated the narrow English roads well, it also seemed to put Mitch and I's friendship on a crash course.


Between some unanticipated costs and the environment, Mitch and I began to get a little snippy with each other, at times we were downright rude. It wasn't all the cars fault, but the subpar air conditioning, pitiful range of the electric engine, and cost and time it took to charge the car didn't help.


Around day six I asked Joenelle if she thought I should try and talk with Mitch and she agreed wholeheartedly that would be a good idea. Instead, I pretended like everything was okay and tried to forgive and forget.


On day 12 we things came to a head as we were checking into one of our last hotels. Groggy, sweaty, and running low on cash, I made a comment under my breathe about some surprise check-in fees to the hotel staff. Mitch, standing near me, had had enough of my attitude. "Jason, things cost money. If you don't want to pay for a vacation, you shouldn't have gone on one."


I knew two things in that moment: he was justified in being frustrated at me and he and I were past due for a crucial conversation.


If you've ever felt tension in a relationship you care about, whether at work or in your personal life, it could be that you're due for a crucial conversation. If you're unsure if it's the right time, check if your situation meets these three conditions.


High Stakes

Is there something of import to lose or something to gain from this conversation? This could be something tangible like money, time, or product, or something intangible like a friendship or peace of mind.


Opposing Opinions

If you and the other person aren't seeing eye to eye, it's probably going to require a crucial conversation to move forward.


Strong Emotions

Most people flee from emotional conversations until it's too late and the emotions are in charge of the conversation. If you feel strongly about a topic or person, then it could be time to have the conversation.


Mitch and I checked all of these boxes and I knew it wasn't fair to either of us or our friendship to delay the conversation any longer. That evening, after dinner, we were walking around town and I pulled him aside. There's an entire training on how to approach and facilitate these conversations, but that's a separate Two For You.


After sharing our experiences and apologizing, Mitch and I came out the other side friendship in tact and vacation saved. To celebrate, we doused the Electric Corsa in diesel, set it on fire, and walked off into the night...


...Kidding, but we thought about it.


Fact

Vauxhall is the oldest English car brand.


Action

Pick a relationship, pick a conversation, and aim for progress, not perfection.


Question

What conversation are you avoiding in your life right now?


Quote

“The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.” - Kerry Patterson, Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

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