Learning to Talk Less

As a full-time speaker, I've learned to avoid Q&As with my audiences. If people have a question and really want to know the answer, they'll ask.

In October of 2023, I was speaking in Birmingham, and the organization I was with didn't leave me much choice. I finished my presentation and, as I was walking off the stage, the person I handed the microphone to stopped me and said to the audience, "Alright, now it's time for the Q&A. Who has a question for Jason?"

I tried to hide my reaction, but I already knew how this was going to go. I turned toward the crowd, blank faces staring back at me. It seems as if the bigger the crowd, the longer a single second of silence feels. With hundreds in the room, ten seconds can feel like an eternity.

After about ten seconds, I started to believe I was going to escape without answering any forced questions when I saw a hand near the back go into the air. The host excitedly pointed to a young woman and beckoned for her to ask her question.

She looked to her left and right, a smile spreading across her face, typical teenage body language for, "This is going to be funny."

Without standing up, she shouted, "What are your thoughts on racism?" and immediately sank back into her chair as if she wanted to hide from what she'd just done.

The entire room looked around and whispered in reaction. Taken aback, I simply responded, "It's bad."

The Q&A ended after that question, and I walked off stage frustrated that I'd let it happen in the first place. After the event, I happened to walk by the young woman who asked the question and decided to address it.

"Hey, you know that wasn't okay to ask in a large crowd like that, right?"

She sighed and said, "I know. It was just so quiet, I felt like someone needed to ask something."

As awkward as that moment was, I'm grateful for it because she reminded me of something I constantly struggle with: not every silence needs to be filled.

As a speaker, husband, and friend, I struggle with allowing silence to have a place in conversations. Whenever there's a pause, my initial instinct is to fill it. But often, when we're just filling space, we usually aren't adding anything meaningful.

When people choose to be vulnerable with us, or share something meaningful to them, we should remember that silence may have a very valid place in that conversation. In fact, silence as the first response may sometimes be the best response.

It allows time to process what we've heard. It demonstrates that we're truly listening. It shows that our response is coming from intentional reflection instead of immediate reaction.

Silence can feel uncomfortable, especially in a world that constantly teaches us to respond quickly, speak confidently, and always have something to say. But some of the deepest moments of connection I've experienced have happened after nobody rushed to fill the space.

Sometimes people don't need our advice immediately. Sometimes they don't need a story, a solution, or even an answer. Sometimes they just need to know they've been heard.

Silence may seem out of place to some, but in certain conversations, it's exactly where it belongs.

Fact

Studies on active listening have shown that people feel greater trust and emotional connection when listeners demonstrate attentiveness through patience, eye contact, and pauses rather than immediate advice-giving.

Action

This week, allow one extra breath before responding in meaningful conversations.

Question

Do you listen to understand, or do you listen to respond?

Quote

“Wise men speak because they have something to say, fools because they have to say something.” - Plato