A Reason to Be Grateful

Most evenings when I walk through my house, I try to ignore the little piles that seem to accumulate out of nowhere. Little piles of dog hair, shoes, dishes, and knick-knacks that have no place or purpose. But tonight, these little piles have become too big to ignore and are beckoning to be taken care of.

With Joenelle in our room folding laundry, I have the main area of the house to myself to clean and think. I know Jo is busy, but I start thinking about all the chores that *I do* that I'm quite confident wouldn't happen if I weren't here. The list appears on the screen of my life like a freeze-frame in a movie, with an invisible marker writing for only the audience to see: vacuuming, dishes, walking the dogs, putting toys away, wiping down counters, cleaning toilets...

I walk into our bedroom with an armful of shoes and find my exhausted wife slumped over, asleep next to the pile of laundry she was folding. I sigh and think, "I know Jo is grateful, but sometimes I wish she'd say it. In truth, I want everyone in my life to be grateful that I'm in theirs."

Before I even set the shoes down, I shudder at how self-centered that sounds. But as I keep cleaning, I find it impossible to shake the thought. After about an hour of thinking it over, I realize I don't care so much about receiving gratitude as I do about living in a way that gives others a reason to be grateful.

Often, when we talk about the benefits of gratitude, we focus on recognizing and expressing it. We look inward to recognize what we're grateful for and outward to express that gratitude to others.

But I think there's another aspect of gratitude that deserves more attention: the gratitude we inspire in others. Are we living our lives in a way that gives the people around us reasons to be grateful we're in theirs?

After cleaning up all the little piles I can find, I return to our room to find Jo awake. I tell her I cleaned up a bit, and she just nods. Not exactly the "thanks" I was looking for...

Then a question pops into my head.

"What would help you feel less stressed today?"

Without blinking, she says, "Laundry."

All the little piles around the house had been stressing me out, and after cleaning them up, I just wanted someone to say thanks. I'd spent the evening taking care of what was bothering me without stopping to consider what was bothering her.

I don't think there's anything wrong with hoping to hear a thank-you, but we have to realize that whether someone expresses gratitude is largely out of our control.

Instead of hoping to hear gratitude, I could focus on giving someone a reason to feel it. I can't control whether someone appreciates what I do, but I can do a better job of understanding what they need.

Sometimes all that takes is asking a simple question: "What do you need?"

Fact

Research by psychologist Sara Algoe and colleagues (2008) suggests that gratitude in relationships is closely connected to feeling that another person recognizes and responds to our needs.

Action

Trade Assumptions for Questions: Think of someone you regularly help. This week, ask whether your efforts are actually making their life easier or if there's something else they need. Question

Are you helping the people around you in the ways they need, or the ways you think they need?

Quote

“The way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.”

- Charles Schwab